The following post is UPG. If you do not like to deal with UPGs I ask you not to read this. If you consider it as nonsense I ask you to show at least the respect to simply ignore it. I have no interest in defending myself regarding my personal practise nor do I claim general validity of it. Additionally I do not recommend to use the practises described in this post.
I hardly ever talk about what happens as part of my personal practice but for some reason I started to feel perhaps I should. I am writing this basically for my Kemetic friends because I have a high amount of trust in them that I know they will handle my openness with care and respect. I have shared many a thing with them in good times and times of crisis, they know me and this is just another story about me so they can get to know me even better. My hope is by opening up a little about the more personal part of my Kemetic practice to provide some information of how personal spiritual experiences can be like. I’d be, of course, most happy if what I am saying is of any use to people from different traditions. I am following the example of a few of my dear fellow Kemetics who, too, had the courage to share their most personal encounterings with the gods.
I would like to explain a few things in advance because otherwise a few descriptions might seem very disturbing. I also feel I need to mention that some of the methods I used are of course NOT officially part of a Kemetic-recon based practice which I consider as my main orientation. But occasionally I do get inspired by other traditions and I am stable enough in my Kemetic path to take little cultural excursions from time to time to get to know them and experiment with them. Some methods stay part of my personal practice some don’t and disappear again. So it happened that I attended a few seminars about Vajrayana Buddhism. Not because I wanted to become a Buddhist but because a friend of mine is a Yogi and since we had a few good interfaith talks I was interested in getting to know what he was doing. And I wanted to learn how to meditate. I had just begun working with Sutekh.
I learned one important thing about tantric meditations practice. It is all about transformation. That means you do not reject anything. Not even worldly things. You “work with the circumstances” but train yourself not to get too engaged with them. Yet you do participate in them. And you learn mental techniques to transform emotions, which are basically seen as a temporary phenomenon you are not supposed to identify with. And another thing I found out very quickly: The peacefully smiling vegetarian is pretty much of a fairy tale. In fact there many tantric techniques which seem rather violent if you judge them superficially.
I would like to pick out one of them which became unexpectedly meaningful to me. It is basically a visualization meditation which consists of a self-slaughtering and -sacrificing to the gods and demons in order to feed them. This may sound totally insane but in a Buddhist context this actually has an immensely strong training effect on your mind to release the identification with your physical appearance. For someone like me who had been struggling her entire life living in a body I can hardly relate to this felt incredibly relieving.
I was not too familiar with Buddhist deities but I felt a very strong connection to Simhamukha a so-called wrathful Dakini. “Wrathful” means she is not just blindly brutal but she destroys for a reason and where it is needed. Sometimes things turn so rigid in their complex entanglements that only a very powerful but focused force can burst this blockage and release the stuck energy. So this is a very radical form of transformation. And I could very much relate to this quality of energy.
I chose Simhamukha as a meditation deity. I felt comfortable with her because she is lion faced and she reminded me a lot on our lion-shaped deities. She literally killed me several times in my visualizations. Since I did not know any better how to do this, I simply asked her to. In the beginning it felt extremely scary and weird to picture how my body gets destroyed. Yet I managed to visualize it very detailed after a while. I don’t think those details are relevant but if you have ever seen a splatter movie this is pretty much what it looks like. The only difference is that it is yourself who is being chopped into little pieces. The fact that you do this in presence of a deity is comforting in a very strange way. And the amazing thing is despite the fact that you are actually being killed you are still THERE because there is “someone” who actually watches this. I can hardly describe what happened in my mind but in this total contradiction I suddenly felt more alive than ever in my entire life. I was there but I wasn’t – at the same time. And I was anything but my body and that was such an enormous relieve.
I included this technique several times into my regular meditations and it changed me. One would expect that I started to reject my body but in fact I didn’t. I started to take care of it but more in a way as if someone has borrowed me a coat to wear it for a while and it was my duty to make sure it does not get harmed and stays neat. It did not feel like “mine” but it was for my use. This released a lot of problems I usually have with my physical appearance. They were simply less important. I think this is why I still have this very weird view on bodies today. Together with my medical education, my knowledge about biomechanic and anatomy I tend to view bodies more like a genius biological machine which consists of many interlocking cycles and complex systems. This does not in any regard lower my respect for it, actually it increases it, yet I do not identify with it personally nor do I identify other people as “being” their bodies. It’s like as if they own a car and show it to me. It may say something about them but it ISN’T them.
One day – I had a bit of a crisis and felt I wanted to meditate – I sat down again on my cushion and decided to start another Simhamukha meditation. I sat there and concentrated. But it didn’t work. I could hardly visualize her although I was so used to it. I tried all the methods to focus my mind which I had learned but it didn’t function. I got upset and started to cry but something held me back from getting up angrily from that cushion so I stayed seated, struggling to calm down and let the tears flow. I felt an immense pain in my heart area. I could feel it physically. It was like someone pressing my entire thorax together. Like a vacuum in my chest as if it was about to implode. I could hardly breathe. I had my eyes closed, sitting in the lotus posture, squirming in pain and weeping bitterly. I could hardly think straight. For a moment I was worried I might have a heart attack and thought about calling the ambulance. Needless to say I was in panic. Yet all I could form as a silent call was “Help me, please.” The next moment I felt HIM standing behind me. He was… HUGE. Dark. Silent. Although I had my back turned against him I could see him. Basically I could not see him completely, his face was kind off blurry but I could feel his glance in my back. He was standing their absolutely motionless with his spear in his hand and the next ‘feeling’ I got was a silent non-verbal message saying “You know I have to do this… Do you trust me?” I ‘knew’ although I didn’t. All I had was a feeling of ‘being right’ and I answered equally silent “I trust you. I am yours. Do it.” He thrusted the spear hard from behind through my rib cage into my chest straight into my heart. Turned it around once, twice and ripped it out again with my pounding, blood dripping heart on the spearhead.
I fell over, lost the lotus posture and curled up on the floor. Hyperventilating heavily. The hyperventilation was followed by terrible cramping. Every muscle in my body was hurting. I had suffered from panic attacks for years so I remembered automatically what to do when it happens and started covering my face with my hands and breath into my hands to lower the oxygen. It worked and the cramping got weaker. Yet I couldn’t move. I just lay there on the floor, my face clogged with tears, saliva and dust from the floor, cramping occasionally. But I felt too weak to clean my face. I could neither move my arms nor my legs. My eyes were still closed. But the pain was gone. I took a deep shaking breath and the horrible tension in my chest was gone. I felt like I had suddenly a third more lung capacity. He was standing in front of me. Still looking firmly at me but, motionless, holding my heart in his hand. I formed a silent question, asking him how I would be able to live without a heart. His wordless answer was “Your heart is save with me. It is too broken you cannot live with it.” For a moment I started worrying how I was going to function as a spiritual being and what would happen to me when I die and enter the Hall of Ma’at without a heart. How I was going to get through the heart weighing and everything. But for some reason I felt he knew exactly what he was doing. He suddenly placed something into my chest which I can basically just describe as a white glowing something I could not see properly. But when it entered my chest it felt… complete. Nothing was missing. I felt it was something which is not mine, like a part of him in me but I felt it works. It functioned and interacted smoothly with my organism. And the pain was gone.
I lay there for a while and slowly I felt I could move my arms and legs again. I opened my eyes and my cat was sitting about two arm lengths away from me. Looking at me completely calm and purring. I whipped of my face with my sleeve and carefully tried to get myself standing on two feet. I really needed a hot shower. I felt cold but light as a feather and still a bit dizzy. My body seemed flooded with endorphins, my muscles were extremely weak and still not fully controllable and my blood pressure was pretty low. After the shower I wanted to open my shrine and do some offerings. I was like in a trance for a few hours and slowly returned back to my normal routine.
My heart is still with him. He owns it. Ever since. And a part of him is in me. I am his and I agreed silently to give myself to him at his use. And sometimes he reminds me on it and I agree on it again from the bottom of my heart. I trust him and I love him. I know he is not flawless, I know he will probably even make mistakes, cause trouble or a mess but I know I am going to follow him no matter what. This is not about perfection. I do not expect perfection nor do I view him as almighty.
This is about devotion. MY devotion. And MY heart.